I don't know what is worse: Failing to even *dream* that it could be this difficult to get employed, or simply not being good enough. I wonder if I am blowing this inability to get a job thing way out of proportion. It's pretty scary here, graduating from the university and watching your school mates settle down one by one with the corporations of their choice, doing whatever they're doing. I keep wanting to keep my idealism, to focus on the one thing I do best - but am I really that good at it?

Maybe not.

Maybe I should be more pragmatic and settle for whomever offers me a job. To live life you need to be practical right? Dreams don't feed anyone, pay for the bills, or help you hold your head upright when people ask you what your job is. They're like a fantasy you hold on to, thinking that it's a destination that would make you happy when the fact is that no end-point is perfect; if you were hoping for that, then you would have wasted a lot of potential happiness in a journey ignored.

I think I will settle. For the offer that comes next. I'm sure one will, if the laws of probability don't miraculously fail and I end up getting NO job offers before convocation. It's definitely possible, but I sure as hell hope not.

It's spiralling down now, the endless abyss. There is no absolute low; things can always get worse. But in the darkest depths there is an odd calmness. That's the scariest thing: when you *want* to stay in the abyss.